Tefillin Anxiety!!!

Tefillin, a square black box a few cm by a few cm, made out of a kosher animal's skin, very little in dimension indeed, but its meaning is beyond comprehension, its place in Jewish life and culture, it is paralleled  to no other commandment only to its counterpart in  prohibitions, like chilul Shabbos, and Chazir, in the order of significance.

It is not its exterior shape or feel that makes it an integral part of Jewish life, nor is it the strings attached to it, which legend attributes its color and length to no other than Moshe Rabeinu, and it is one of the few details that God didn't even commit to writing, but only verbally said it to Moshe on mount Sinai, to pass on from generation to generation. Sheeeesh Moshe, listen up this is important and mighty secretive, this is how you should do the Tefillin thingy…….

If its not its exterior that makes it so special, then what is? Tefillin has scrolls inside describing the greatness of God, it has the exclusivity Jews gave to God, the expression of God being the one and only, and the fact that he has chosen us as a nation, the covenant of God and the Jews in short.

This is still not the full story, us putting the Tefillin on our head is just half of the story, as the Gemoro in Brochos 6a exclaims God also wears them Tefillin, yeah he does, and what does his Tefillin contain? How the Jewish nation is one in the world, and that God chose us as his people, in short, God's Tefillin has our exclusiveness from a godly point of view.

To explain this as a more modern technological concept, imagine God and his Tefillin like the master antenna orbiting in space broadcasting its signals to all the Jewish people, and our small little antennas on the head, as little cell phones (kosher ones that is) connecting to the master antenna via which the 2 are interconnected with an everlasting bond.

How can such a beautiful phenomena result into anxiety one wonders? how can such an interlocking connection make a person watch over their back as if they are committing murder? How can an act that you are doing since your early teens be so challenging?

It is Erev Rosh Hashonah, I am woken by my son only 1 hour after I went to sleep, I ask him, wh wha what is the matter? its only 4:45am, are you having a bad dream? he replies Dad selichos, and soon I realize I am the one having the bad dream, the kid is right, it is erev Rosh Hashono, and as tradition has it we wake up early and go to shul to say selichos, and all the ritual that follow, in addition this will be the first time in a year that I will have to Daven shachris on a weekday, which means I'll have to put on Tefillin!!!

Tefillin comes along with many rituals like brochos and it has to be placed on a specific spot on the hand and head, it follows a specific sequence, first comes the hand and then the head, it is the only ritual that uses the left hand as the main object, and here I stand after an entire year of not even looking at them, I don't even know their physical state, are they sun burned? do they have a note from anyone in it saying gotcha, i knew you have not been using them for a while now? For all I know it may have a beehive in it, and the minute I open the zipper the whole shul will be filled with bees, and everyone will realize that I have been living like a Marano for all this time.

The chazen is already at Borchu, I have delayed my Tefillin episode till later when the people are already engrossed in their prayers, I inch closer I brace myself, you can do it, the worse that can happen you may get a few bee bites, I look to my left its clear, I look to my right, its clear, i decide to do it.

Their were no bees no notes, but no connecting to the master antenna either, i guess they turned off the signal after 30 days of idle.

May it rest in peace for another year, and may we all be inscribed in the book of life.